Thoughts
Thoughts |
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Over 40 and the Condom Club |
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This is a discourse promoting the use of condoms, written
for magazine publication. I wrote this piece as therapy, basically,
after contracting STD's (sexually transmitted diseases) from a trusted
partner in 2004. It took a significant amount of time to physically
recover, and it was a shock to discover that this is a too-common
problem among men and women my age. This was written therefore, as an
informational text, written from that experience, but not necessarily my
story. It is something positive which I wanted to bring forth from that
time.
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Download printable Word document I’m having a huge problem with sex. I’m upset because it’s a repeating problem which has come up in the majority of my relationships over the past few years. The problem is condoms. If you were born before 1965, maybe even before 1970, condoms probably weren’t big in your sexual development. Pre-AIDS, condoms were available, but seemed more a curiosity than a vital necessity. Purchases of condoms when I was a young adult were strictly for emergencies and for gags. Not so with the current youth generation. But things were different when I was young. I settled in with a sexual partner in my early twenties, and emerged 25 years later contemplating being single and sexually active without ever having used a condom in my life. Then again, I had given birth to a child without ever having ever changed a diaper before and that went without too much of a problem, so I wasn’t hugely concerned. I was wrong. My experience with men over 40 today is that they are no more adept in the practical uses of condoms than I am. It is not a surprise to me that women over 40 are the second highest risk group for contracting STDs. [*1.] Everybody experiences an encounter with an STD eventually, so what’s the big deal? Well, there are wide differences in how this is experienced by men and women. Overcoming encounters with STD’s seems to be an acceptable, occasional and unavoidable price for men in love. Men that I’ve had relationships with commonly feel that they are being safeguarded from AIDS sans condoms by seeking out women who are outwardly healthy, sexually responsible, and potential long-term mates. Plus, AIDS tests are readily available and those who are responsible have a test between every relationship and then six months later (right?) The otherwise occasional germ is quickly resolved with antibiotics. Not so for females. According to a United Nations Population Fund report, in general a woman's risk of STD infection is higher than a man's; sexually transmitted diseases affect five times more women than men. The vagina and rectum are more easily infected than the penis. A woman's chance of being infected by a man with HIV is twice as great as a man's chance of being infected by a woman with HIV. Older women in particular are at higher risk for STD’s because their tissues are weaker, and a woman’s anatomy has more medical complications resulting from STD’s. Exacerbating this is the tendency that women show fewer symptoms from STD infections than men, so they typically carry the diseases for longer periods, with predictably more damage. [* 2. 3.] Now the monetary cost. If a woman is uninsured, an initial gynecological exam, Pap smear, and STD screening tests runs about $300-$400. Skip or drop the condom once, she’s going to incur this cost. If she tests positive for an STD, there is not only has the cost of antibiotics, but she must have follow-up exams and tests because the female anatomy is more persistent in hanging on to these things. A positive STD test for the woman automatically will cost upwards of $1000 and may take from six months to two years to resolve. [*4.] That all blows my world apart. My reaction wouldn’t be much different if my partner just put a gun to my head. Russian Roulette is a game of loading one shell into a 6-chamber revolver and pulling the trigger. For a woman I feel like sex without a condom is more like five live rounds in the chamber and one blank. How careless can we be with one another? I’m amazed that all the men I have had relationships with have absolute certainty that they are not carriers of STDs. I’m always tempted feel that way myself, because I have regular STD screenings and think I have facts on my side, but we are both being naïve. Well over half of all people who contract STDs will have no symptoms: [*5.]
HPV, HIV, Hep B, and Syphilis are all potentially fatal. ALL the other STD’s can cause sterility and permanent physical and reproductive damage to females and their offspring. Being symptom-free does not mean you are ok. Furthermore, HPV is currently EPIDEMIC among women in their teens and under age 30. (Active infection rates: 4 out of 5 sexually active women in adolescence, 45% of women age 20-25; 27% of women age 25-29). There are more than 40 genital varieties of HPV. There is a vaccine; but for only four types, and it is prohibited in many states for women over age 29. HPV is transmitted by skin contact (condoms help, but do not prevent it. NO external genital contact is key). HPV is the most common STD infection in the US today. MOST of the above STD’s can be prevented with use of condoms, and the risk of transmission for all is reduced with the use of condoms. [*6.] Aiee Yi-yi-yiee. Presumably we have all read the blurb on what constitutes high-risk sexual behavior and the following stands out: Long term monogamous relationship = low STD risk. We make this assumption after digesting that having multiple sexual partners is a high-risk behavior. However, herein also lies a huge misunderstanding of what this is really about. In my mind, monogamy and long-term commitment hopefully go together, but they are not interchangeable, and one without the other isn’t any guarantee of low-risk. It’s baffling to me that the men in my life want to dispense with condoms as soon as we dispense with other partners. This doesn’t make any sense because it leaves out the ‘long-term’ part of the equation. That is; an intention to have a monogamous relationship doesn’t mean that we have entered a low-risk state and no longer need condoms because we aren’t yet in a long-term monogamous relationship. What the real problem comes down to in my opinion is that everybody would rather have sex without condoms. As a friend of mine put it; “If it weren’t for disease and pregnancy we wouldn’t use condoms”. Period. We don’t like them. They interrupt the flow of passion. They can interfere with the man’s erection. They change sensation. They cover up the penis and its’ raw beauty. They’re awkward. They are also absolutely necessary and I’m determined to give them a more appealing and exciting role in my love life. I’m going to advocate two possible solutions which optimally should be combined:
On the first point; can condoms be erotic? Familiarity and practice with condoms can make the experience with them less distracting and it is helpful for men to masturbate with them frequently. Buy a variety. Try different sizes. It should be tight but fit ALL THE WAY DOWN to the base. Masturbate like mad. Figure out what really stays on with friction. Get some of the water-based female lubricant from the women’s section at the store and see what works better; un-lubricated condoms with lots of that stuff, or lubricated condoms with lots of that stuff. Day dream about condoms while you’re at work. Think about them in the grocery line. Shop for them wherever you go. Instead of avoiding thinking about them, work them into your sexuality starting with the basics. My male friends are a little lukewarm on this because let’s face it; sex by yourself isn’t that interesting in the first place and adding condoms to it isn't very exciting. Therefore, involving myself with my partner and his condoms is probably be the most helpful contribution that I can make. However; it’s very difficult in the midst of lovemaking to say “Er, can you stop for a minute and let me practice for a bit?” But that’s exactly what I’m going to need if I want to develop reasonable skills. The concept of sexual practice is this: Setting aside time with your partner for exploring and refining sexual stimulations and techniques without the expectations of mutual satisfaction or perfect performance. For those of us over 40 who didn’t develop condom skills growing up, or who don’t have pleasurable sexual associations with them, this is something we could use. In this case of improving the sexual experience and eroticism with condoms, practice might consist of a weekly genital massage for the man which includes play with condoms, with the time set aside just for him, and the emphasis on stimulating and exciting him, not just on bringing him to orgasm. The key will be to give him plenty of physical pleasure and excitement without the condom, then introduce it when he is really aroused; perhaps rolling it on and off his penis while dragging with the fingernails.. Or can the woman put it on entirely with only her mouth?..Or kneel behind him, put on the condom, and stroke his belly and inner thighs, caress his testicles. etc. etc. Use plenty of imagination. Bring him up to intense sensation several times, think of what can be done to make donning the condom enjoyable, and listen for his feedback. Ask him how it feels, find out what he enjoys. Repeating this practice on a regular basis will build that very necessary aspect of sex; anticipation, with an association to condoms. Finally, the practice session might end with intercourse, because another exciting aspect of sex for men is permission and condoms might be used as a couple's signal to begin intercourse. Second; Exploring in
what ways we can have satisfying sex without intercourse. If the HPV is a concern (HPV spreads through skin contact of the genitals), remember that the hands remain on one partner’s genitals only. Don’t touch your partner and then yourself without washing your hands well first. Or wear gloves and change them. Or use Saran wrap to cover the genitals and rectum. Make an effort to make one another comfortable. Use
lots of lubrication. Use a warm beautiful room. Help each other relax a
little beforehand. Bring
some things that will feel good on your partner’s skin and body. Give
your partner the feeling that he or she is being received in love,
safety and warmth. Be careful that your responses are non-judgmental and
supportive; this is about learning new things and not necessarily about
being good at them yet. What I am talking about here is mutual masturbation, lots of stroking, rubbing bodies together, using the hands, mouth, and fingers, and NOT having genital-to-genital contact. It’s a big change of pace from usual straightforward sex. It’s more intimate, more awake, and goes best if there is a big chunk of time set aside to slow down the whole process of arousal and orgasm. Hopefully it will involve multiple orgasms. It’s about spending time together. It’s about using and cherishing the whole body. It takes more imagination, and more planning. What can I make out of the toes, the feet, the backs of the knees? These are good things to fantasize about my partner while I’m stuck on the bus on the way to work. Maybe one week I’ll only tantalize him from the waist up. Or just his left side. Or just his back side. I want to heighten his awareness of sexual sensitivity all over his body. The point is to learn how to bring pleasure, intimacy, and satisfaction through whole-body sensations, and how to prologue pleasure in general. Often, we are so caught up in the moment of what feels good that we don't think beyond that. What I'm advocating is thinking about it a lot more and making it feel even better. Again, weekly alternating practice sessions with your partner can be very helpful in becoming more tuned-in to the fine points of what feels good. Neutral time and space to explore more parts of the body can yield surprising discoveries. For example, I never knew how erotic having my hands touched and kissed could be. ------------------------------------------------------------------ It’s important to me that my partner wear a condom every time his penis is in contact with my genitals, I’m concerned about his experience and want to contribute by matching that time with unadorned pleasures in other ways. As a woman, I also want quality time with my partner, intimate time, so this is a winning solution for both of us. I always ask my partners what their favorite thing about sex is, and frequently the answer is simply “To be inside you”. I know from experience that means without the barrier of a condom. Yet it’s interesting that in the relationships in which I’ve expressed from the beginning a desire to do sex differently, the man has always been eager to please and open to learning new things. We’ve shared a vulnerability which has usually developed into a deeper understanding and freedom with one another. The relationships which have started with conventional sex have proved to be more difficult to change; for one I think that our bodies tend to go with what works despite our will to do otherwise, and I also think it’s vaguely undermining to a partner to present to him the need for a big change in his sexual habits; it almost suggests that what we’ve been doing isn’t working. Sexual practice can be a safe haven. Communication is the first place to start. If your partner is new, talk about condoms and expectations for when they will be used. Talk about HPV and the possibility of sex without intercourse. Discuss your willingness to make the experience more erotic and mutually satisfying, and bring up the concept of sexual practice. If you have a partner, it is still a help to establish when, if ever, you will discontinue using condoms. Discuss how the two of you can brainstorm to make the experience with them more satisfying. See how receptive your partner would be to starting an alternating weekly practice with you. As you progress together in practice, perhaps eventually you will set aside a day for sex without intercourse and see where your imaginations will take you. If partners work together, condoms might be the best thing that ever happened to improve the quality of our sex lives. *** 1. My Gynecologist. 2. "Lives Together, Worlds Apart: Men and Women in a Time of Change" United Nations Population Fund Report. http://www.unfpa.org/swp/2000/pdf/english/summary.pdf, http://www.unfpa.org/publications/detail.cfm?ID=40 5. http://www.medicinenet.com/sexually_transmitted_diseases_stds_in_women/page5.htm 6. On HPV: http://www.cancer.gov/newscenter/benchmarks-vol2-issue4/page2 http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/01/050111121630.htm http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/64137.php Other sources: http://abacus.bates.edu/pubs/mag/96-Fall/white-myth.html http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,297831,00.html http://www.newscientist.com/article.ns?id=dn10414&feedId=online-news_rss20 http://www.clubcondom.com/std-faq.html http://www.thebody.com/content/art32857.html#01 http://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/18/business/media/18adcol.html?ref=media Copyright Jess Bates 2008 |
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